Took Sean to Giomatti's tonight, I wanted to go to Vinny's but he didn't want to drive so far. Turns out, Giomatti's was the better of the two. I had the ordinary spaghetti and meatballs and fried calamari, Sean had the Chicken Parm. Dinner was fabulous. I enjoyed taking him out even though I spent around $300 last weekend on, I don't know for what. I hate carrying cash.

Took work home again, trying to catch up on things.

A certain being pissed me off today, at work. Not work related, personal shit. I don't get what part of 'don't say anything to anyone' did this person not understand? Maybe I should have reiterated and said, "This goes in the vault." It was my fault, I suppose. Shouldn't have said anything to said person but normally would trust this person. I want to say for future reference,

When I say, don't say anything...it's trademark code for 'shut the fuck up and throw away the key.' I felt as if I was lecturing a kid as we exchanged emails. I knew I was lecturing one when I received replies of 'whatever.'

Anyway,

Have a busy day at work tomorrow. Happy Friday.

Dear Mom:

I wish I was there with you. I wish that I knew what to say and do to make things better. I wish you lived closer and I can't believe I have lived so far away from you for almost six years now...

So, I start to write this, and it makes me cry. I could never say this to her, nor would I actually send out a letter with something like that on it. It would just cause too much pain.

Why does my dad have to be such an asshole? We forgave him, we three. Emily, Gerald, and me. The three who stuck together through the pains of growing up with an asshole jerk ass dad. AND WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR SAYING THAT? He's my dad. He was nice, sometimes, but we knew any second, his temper would change in a heartbeat. He's still my dad.

I'd never cry in front of him when he'd call me names, or smack me. I think he respected me for that - as silly as it sounds. I think it actually scared him in a way and maybe that's why he hit my sister and brother more than me. When I did cry, I'd do it in the privacy of my own room, they weren't tears of sadness, I was pissed I was called, 'stupid' or get smacked for a stupid reason. Geez, such a long time ago yet the memories are as fresh as the zit growing on my chin.

I'm watching the Color Purple. One of my favorite movies.

"I's married now. I said I's married now."

Sean and I had bastardized Chinese food for dinner. It was a later dinner and I enjoyed every bite of it. I should be asleep by now but I took a two hour nap when I got home.

Gonna try and sleep.

I made a boo boo that got me a slap on the hands. It involved me taking matters into my own hands at the office. Man, why must I be such a loose cannon? ah heh.

Went home and took a nap. Nap lasted an hour or so.

I feel out of it. Like, I have to do something but I don't know what it is. Like, I've forgotten to do something. I hate when I get like this.

You should see the laundry that's piling up over here. I could bungee jump off the sucker.

What did I do today? Absofuckinglutely nothing.

I have a pain in my right eye. A pain that appears ever so often, warning me of what's ahead. A migraine. I'm still fighting it, in hopes that when I finally fall asleep tonight, I'll wake up tomorrow morning fresh and pain free.

I also am in pain from cracking my knee into furniture Heathuh gave me because of her move. I've been crying in pain like a faggot because my gawd damn leg hurts very badly. I'm actually limping.

Sad news of the weekend. As they were moving the bed, Katinka, Heathuh's kitten ran away. Dumbfuck - who will remain nameless throughout this blogation opened the door after dumbfuck was told not to, and the poor, frightened being ran out of the house. I watched her run off which absolutely paralyzed me. My body, my voice.

All I could think was, "She's never coming back" as she ran off. I regret thinking it but that was the first thing that came to mind. I hope I'm wrong.

By the way, dumbfuck was not me.

Watched Heathuh cry as I've never seen before and just wanted to morph into the kitchen. I don't like seeing people cry. I don't know how to react. Would she cry harder if I hugged her? Push me away? Fuck it, I grabbed her head and hugged her quickly but let her go.

Walked several blocks calling out her various pet names. Meow Face. Kitten. Kastinka. Tinks. Kitten. UGH. I CAN'T TAKE IT.


I feel numb to the idea that she's actually out there hiding, without food. Please find her. She belongs to someone.