Growing up I always wondered why my skin wasn't as fair as the other filipina's or, why was my nose so big and flat? Why couldn't it be more like my sister's nose, a little pointy and petite. Why am I so short...Can't I be tall like my dad who's 6ft tall? Why do I have a soft voice? Can't I be more outgoing when I first meet people rather than waiting to get to know them?
Geesh, I was so insecure back in the day. So insecure, I could have cared less about my looks because I was tired of looking at girls and admiring their beauty and comparing them to me.
I intentionally created myself to be the ugly girl my insecurities made me to be.

Those insecurities have come back to me again. I'll explain more later.

Mare, where are you?

Dear Mare,

Where are you????

Happy New Year, everyone.

I hope this New Year will bring joy and success to you and yours - and me, too.

I spent New Years eve with Bf's family. It wasn't too bad. I got sick from food poisoning, though. Chinese food. I don't think I'll be having Chinese food for a while.
New Years day we celebrated Bf's niece's birthday. I got to spend the entire morning and half the afternoon with just her and enjoyed every minute of it. She turned two. Happy Birthday!!

I'm eating a caramel apple purchased at Edaville. Bf's fam and I took little Emily to the Edaville festival of lights in Carver. It was a little too cold, a little boring, but I stuck it out for the little girl. She makes me smile.
Plus, I got to drink all the white cranberry juice my bladder could hold.

I'm very tired from all the walking. We were there for almost 3 hours.

You're Tiara Hello Kitty. You are proper and well
refined. You have manners unlike anyone else
and parents and teachers love you for that.
(you suck up) But also the little princess. You
always get your way in the end...


Which HELLO KITTY are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Beef flavored Ramen noodles.

Woke up with hunger pangs at 4:53 A.M. It hurt so bad. Why am I so hungry? I ate a big meal for dinner. I tried to mask the pain in my belly with a lot of water but that only made me get up to relieve myself twice and kept me awake feeling hungrier.
Whenever I get like this I start thinking of depressings things like this is what a homeless person feels like. It makes me think of that Foster family in New Jersey that starved their foster sons and the emergency 911 call a good samaritan made that made me cry when I heard it.

Nothing real to eat in the house that appeals to me. I realized we have hundreds of Ramen noodles and chose the beef flavored ones. I almost gave up on cooking it because the only two small pots I can cook in are dirty in the sink.
Thank God for microwaves.

Sunday was the end of Christmas for me. I received a very nice gift from Bf and his family. It's too nice. Too nice to accept. It still hasn't hit me that it's now in my possesion.
I don't care about gifts for Christmas anymore. What made me feel nice was a two year old little girl yanking on my hand to follow her wherever she went.

"Emma farted."
"I farted."
"Hi Emma!"

She had chocolate cake but smeared it all over her high chair table. Then begged to be let down so she could wash off her "gucky hands".
Her mom let her down and the first person she grabbed wearing a pink turtle neck was guess who? That's right, I now have a tiny brown handprint on my sleeve. I don't think I'll wash it. Everytime I look at it, I smile. I enjoyed helping little Emily wash her hands.
I had to play bodyguard when Bf and his brother tried to play keep away with Emily's doll. It was so sad to see two grown men tease a 2 y.o.

I should be exhausted and full after eating my beef flavored Ramen but now I can't sleep (and still a little hungry).

I'm emotionally drained. All I wanted to do this weekend was sleep and forget the world. I didn't want to go out but two cats needed me because their mom is in England, and a friend convinced me to come out and play. I'm glad I did go. It was nice to be somewhere other than my apartment. It was nice to see Heather and Katinka who let me pet her AND play with her. (she's a shy cat) My emotions have been recharged and now I can't sleep.

I'm going to do laundry.